Friday, June 17, 2011

Lessons from the Sheets

Things I've learned from sleeping with people:
  1.  Sleeping with someone could be just as, if not more intimate than "sleeping with" someone.
  2. Rough sex doesn’t have to be “mean” sex- intention and respect are key (see Holy Trinity).
  3. I have power: over my own decisions, over my body, over others- not to be misused, but to be wielded appropriately.
  4. Men want women to orgasm (which is to say, there are men who do)
  5. Instructions not included; but required.
  6. There is potential for pleasure in receiving oral sex. Who knew?
  7. If you're open to it, and can stay present with the process, there is potential for insight into your own psyche. I've learned about fears and insecurities of which I wasn't readily acutely aware and am now able to see how those fears play out daily. Change happens slowly.
  8. Kissing should NOT be filler or fluff. If you kiss to avoid talking: stop kissing, and talk.
  9. Intermittent conversation throughout sex doesn’t have to be awkward or forced.
  10. Penetration not mandatory. We don’t even have to cum to enjoy ourselves- BOTH OF US.
  11. The Holy Trinity: Communication, Relaxation, and Lubrication. (credit where it's due; a good friend of mine)
  12. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. (Neither do you.)
  13. Saying “no,” and “stop,” is 100% OK. I don’t have to endure anything. (Again, neither do you).
  14. Sure, it’s annoying to get aroused and not cum, but the fear of “blue balls” is ridiculous- you can handle it.
  15. Teeth.
  16. Just because men get hard at the drop of a hat, does NOT mean that women are aroused and ready at their will. That being said, it is up to us, women, to slow things down and ensure that both partners are on the same page. Take the reins.
  17. There is a certain level of honesty, rawness, vulnerability that must be present in order to “experiment,” or “explore,” sexually. There is no room for judgment (of self, or of partners).
  18. Love and/or loving is not about hierarchy. Don't put your lover on a pedestal; recognize your power as equally valued to his/hers. Re #3: I have power, force, I can dominate, and I am strong.
  19. I am attractive, i.e. to people other than my committed partner: I am not owned by anyone.
  20. If I didn’t know where my clitoris is, I’d be screwed. (No pun intended)
  21. There is this fairy-tale narrative of what it looks like to be in love, to be in a relationship, or to have sex with someone- and it is utter nonsense, chuck it.
  22. So much of what we learn and so much of our reasons for doing things are inexpressible in words.
  23. Love does not need to be directed to anyone in particular. It now blankets all of my experience. I hold everything and everyone in my life in a net of love.
  24. I love Alexander King-
  25. Even more than I did before.

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